Brain Vomit

I had this dream lastnight:

—————

I’m standing at some event somewhere with Trent Reznor.  We’re just talking when suddenly he starts having a heart attack.  He reached into his pocket, pulls out a needle and says, “Find someone to inject this into my heart!”

I think, “who would do this?”  Immediately I see Glessner.  He grabs the needle, walks over with beef jerky hanging out of his mouth, without saying anything, and stabs Trent in the heart with this needle.   Trent lives.  Glessner walks away chewing on his beef jerky.

Keely calls to tell me about this puppy who’s about to be put sleep because no one wants him.  I immediately go get the puppy who, strangely enough, is at my aunt’s house.  She has a warehouse with tons of junk and this cage with a tiny Disney looking puppy in it.  He’s no bigger than a baseball and him and I become best friends.  I take him everywhere.

Suddenly I’m on a bus.  My grandpa is sitting in the seat next to me talking to these 22 year old blonde girls.  I mention the nihilist and one of the girls says, “You’re on the nihilist?”

I say, yeah, you’re on the nihilist?

She replies, “Yeah, I’ve been on for a few years, I don’t know anyone on there, but some how i ended up on it.”

She says, “What is your name?”  I look over at Zuke, who’s now sitting in the seat in front of my grandpa.  I say, “Anthony Zuccolotto” and we both hold back laughter.

After a few minutes of bantering back and forth, the bus comes to a stop and I get off.

Waiting for me is Kevin Spacey.  We start bullshitting and I tell him he’s a great actor.

He says, “I hear you’ve done some acting with your girlfriends…”  and laughs.

Then we devise a long, dramatic performance where we are breaking up with each other.  We’re back at the event from the beginning of the dream, and we start screaming at each other.  I get in the passenger seat of someone’s car and Kevin Spacey is walking towards the car smiling.  I make him believe I’m really angry at him.  Then I laugh, he laughs, and everyone laughs.

———–

Then I awake.  I laugh at my dream then get horribly depressed because I miss the puppy.

I can’t believe it’s over. You’ve left me here all alone without anyone else who truly understands me. I know it’s summer, I can see the sweat rolling down my arms as I write you, but all I feel is this cold chill. I can’t even recognize the sunshine anymore. How can I go on?

For the last few years, you’ve been the guiding force in my life, showing me what it’s like to be a part of something special. I feel like an empty vessel without a nozzle to fill me up again. I don’t want this, I want to see you again.

When we buried you, I felt like a part of me, the part that really matters, was left in that box you now reside in.

My friends keep calling, but I can’t bare to answer the phone. I’m afraid what will happen if I hear the emptiness of my own voice. What does one sound like when all passion has been stripped away?

I want to go with you, wherever you are, I want to be there. I’m clinging onto a small shred of faith that one day I’ll get to see you again.

Do you remember when we met? Near that small stream over behind the baseball field? I want to go back there, back then. I want you to be there waiting for me to discover you. Please be there.

I will always remember you. You were the best pet ever, Ted the Turtle.

Love,
Mikey

There is a subtle hardcoded way most of society will respond to certain statements or ideas . These programmed responses have been poured into our thinking (or non-thinking) caps since we officially became members of society (elementary school). Unfortunately, in my experience, once one of these hostile, programmed responses surface it is nearly impossible to try to reason with the robotic entity who is trying to educate you on your “mistake.”

An extreme example is the infamous Adolf Hitler. Anyone who exterminates as many people as he has, is obviously an evil man, from a sociological stand point. From an ecological standpoint, less people means less pollution, less resources, and more space per person on this tiny planet. From an economic standpoint, less people means more jobs and money to go around to those survivors. From a political standpoint, it certainly makes the other leaders of the world seem like pretty good guys.

I digress. This article is not about portraying Hitler as a not-so-bad guy. I, in fact, from what I’ve heard about him, think he seems like quite the jackass. However, in order to even mention his name, it must be in the form of a crude joke or in the context of his evilness. A phrase such as, “Hitler was a military and political genius” sounds too complimentary for most of society to comprehend and handle. Often the response is similar to “How can you say he’s a genius? He killed six million jews!”

This kind of programmed response is frustrating if you’re actually trying to have an intelligent, objective discussion. Simply because calling someone a genius is typically in a complimentary context, doesn’t mean I’m saturating the evil acts he committed. I’m simply stating that he was a real smart guy that accomplished more than most leaders ever have or will. I’m not rating the morality of those accomplishments, only the fact that they exist.

Like a computer that is simply processing words, the human brain reacts to certain words (especially those in the realm of political correctness) while ignoring context, intent, and feeling. It’s almost like words are digested and form into coherent, fluid thoughts in the recipient, but certain words, ideas, or thoughts send the brain into a failure mode, resulting in a programmed response.

In a world where we know more about the history of television than we do about the history of our world, I shouldn’t be surprised at the narrow minded ignorance that is clogging the pathway for enlightenment. However, I continue to forget my audience when discussing edgy topics and always end up getting the lecture, when I was simply being objective.

The only solution would require an entire rewrite of our education system (primary and secondary), our government, our history, and our human nature. For yourself, be more open minded, when you hear the keywords, process the context and objectiveness of the speaker.

For the sake of my sanity: take it all in, process it, then react.

This Guinness is real tasty. I just opened it. It was slightly shaken and I had to carefully suck the spewed foam off the top of the can. This is my least favorite part about drinking Guinness. The foam tastes like a dirty finger. It has a warm, slightly metallic, bitter taste to it. It makes me wince.

Now that the foam is gone, the actual liquid makes me very happy. It has a smooth, slightly bitter but slightly sweet taste. It’s the perfect afternoon beer. I am anticipating opening the next one, sucking off the bitter foam and indulging in another first cold sip of the dark liquid life enhancer.

Regardless of what you may think, cigarettes and beer simply make every situation better, except, of course, the non-spectator side of sports. My sober conversational skills could certainly use much improvement. My drunken conversational skills have no limit, for better or worse. There’s something to be said about knowing you had an in-depth, alcoholically articulate conversation with someone you never met while only digesting bits and pieces for retrieval a few days later. Filling in the blanks of a previously drunken conversation is a great way to spend your sober time and expand your mind with all the possibilities of how the conversation actually flowed.

It seems like it is getting harder to get people to drink alcohol. All the things that make life enchanting (beer pong, flip cup, the inability for clothes to remain intact and attached to a living being) are becoming more and more faux pas as society progresses.

I suppose it’s no secret that the rulebook of social acceptance is like a giant rubber band that expands and contracts to each extreme over time. Unfortunately, my time on this planet has the rubber band contracting towards ultraconservitism. Smoking and drinking are becoming evil again and life is becoming stale. Television and music are simply a nonalcoholic smoothie made in a corporate blender at a high speed with very little ingredients. It has no flavor, no color, is room temperature and tastes the same every time, however, perfectly consumable by the masses.

I think I’ll drink a few more Guinness, smoke another pack of cigarettes, and go to bed.

Here’s to Ireland.

Today is my last day in New Mexico. As usual, I’m torn on how I feel about this situation. I can feel that my heart wants me to stay here, at least for a long while. My emotions are focused on how this environment is both new and old to me.

On one hand, I’m around my cousin that I grew up with and she’s the only person who can consistently make my self-destructive analytical obsession with the wrongs of the world disappear and also bring my conditions of life into perspective.

The unexplored geography and variety of people she works and lives with indulge my curious side. This is a totally new environment and I find that very exciting. I feel like I’m physically and mentally unconstrained here. Perhaps most importantly, being this detached from my normal environment where society is directly in my face gives me an overwhelming feeling of freedom to really contribute something to world.

I suppose, if I absolute had control over my life, I’d get my cats, some of my toys, buy a cheap truck, and just live here for the next few years. If someone offered me a job where I could telecommute from here, I would take it in a heartbeat. I’d leave everyone behind. My current dream is to collect a paycheck, buy the essentials, pay my bills, and give the rest to the sanctuary in lieu of rent or volunteerism.

Unfortunately, that is not going to happen. What does this mean for me? Back to Pittsburgh to rejoin the game hoping I can have enough self-control to pay my way out of the game. I want to be free to explore my own creativity without the cloud of responsibility fogging up my mind.

I’ve been trying to get some of my female friends in Pennsylvania to go for long walks at night with me. The usual response is an amused expression followed by a question related to my sanity. Last night, however, I asked one of the girls here to go for a long walk and the response was unexpected. It seemed perfectly reasonable to her and so we went. I learned much about her. I learned that she is pretty much the female version of me. We didn’t talk about anything very personal, but the conversation never ended or resorted to meaningless banter. I will remember that walk the rest of my life.

Would one of the girls back home have a night like that with me? Or is it simply a completely different mindset? I’m curious as to whether once the “Why walk?” barrier is conquered if they’d enjoy it as much as I would or as much as I did last night? Perhaps it’s only that good when it’s with a complete stranger. I wonder how she felt last night. Maybe this is completely normal for her and thus an average day.

Either way, I want more. I don’t like regurgitating information that flows through the mainstream (or underground) media sources. I have no intimate knowledge of any of that garbage and thus it lacks the validity I require for personal reflection and interpretation. I simply don’t give a shit and anyone who does will simply never get more than a word or two out of me.

I guess, from a mental stability standpoint, the question is how long can I continue to maintain my sanity in a stale environment that I’ve lived in my entire life? I need to explore the minds of new people of a different mindset. That is why I’m here and that is why I do not want to leave. I want to compare my thoughts, interests, and analytical results with a different breed of human beings. There is no end goal and there is no answer I’m looking for. I’m not trying to achieve mental perfection nor am I trying to purposely assimilate the insight of others into my own perception, I’m simply fascinated by intimate experiences of others.

If there is a question as to what I’m looking for in life, the simple answer is: nothing and everything. I have come to the realization that there is no single thing that will ever completely occupy my time to the end of my life. I constantly need change and will never be able to settle down in any one place with any one group of people. That is not to say I could never spend the rest of my life with a single woman as my companion, it is to say she must share in my quest for mind expansion.

I never know what I’m searching for next. I don’t even know what it is while I’m searching for it. I simply know when life has become stale it is time to find the new spark. The flow of exploration must continue for me to be a live. Otherwise, I’m simply like the robots I build and the middle class yuppies who die confused as to why they played the game well but still ended up on their deathbed, that they’ve slept in for the last twenty years. To prevent that situation is to prevent my own suicide.